I just came across this blog post on mamanervosa.com, and I had to share it because I've been having some similar thoughts:
Everything happens in the summer
As I sit here tired out after being alone with my young children for nearly 5 full days as my husband was away for work, much has been going through my mind. Of course, since today is one of my "child care days", I should be just focusing on my work. However, as I already mentioned, I am frankly just tired. Getting up early and rushing out to physical therapy (and the aftermath thereof) surely doesn't help as I try to sit here and send out letters to recruit participants for my dissertation research along with planning out the many other tasks that need to be completed before the semester begins (EEK!) in four weeks from today. As I sit back and think about how tired I feel, I reflect on many things. First, I have always admired my mother, who was a single parent for much of my life. Yes, I am an only child, so she "only" had one child (see my sarcasm in the quotes there), but she had to battle with many things whilst raising me and juggling school and work. Yes, she had a great deal of family support in the form of my grandparents and aunts/uncles-- I have fond memories, especially of summer days when my grandmother took me to the beach with my cousins; when I slept over my aunt's house and went swimming with my cousins and their cousins in their grandparents' pool. Thus, I am reminiscing much in the way that the author of the above post does about my childhood as I reflect on how my children are enjoying the summer. True, I really don't have that family support, but I am also not a single parent. I can't imagine juggling my current situation of a PhD program, teaching, and children as a single parent, but I know that there are many men and women out there who do just that. I have the utmost respect for them.
Second, I reflect on how blessed I am to have this time with my children, and to see the summer through their eyes. Yes yes, if I had never gone back to school and if I had stayed in my professional field, I could have a decent full time job and would be making a decent salary by this point in my life. However, I never would have had this time with my young children. Yes, I have sacrificed work time to spend this time with them, but much of that is due to the plain fact that we simply can't afford to put both children in full time child care for the summer. So, I try to make it as interesting as I can for them and take advantage of the weather when I can, since I know how quickly winter approaches in this part of the country. I also know that I am highly privileged to be able to take them around to museums, parks, etc. I reflect even more on my privilege when I think of the mothers and children mentioned in the above blog post-- those mothers in Guatemala, hoping that their children will reach the "land of freedom" safely, hoping that they can attain a better life. Those mothers in places like Gaza, Syria, Iraq, the Central African Republic, Nigeria, the DRC, and the list goes on--- the parents who don't know if they or their children will live another day. Those who live in informal settlements all around the world, fearing eviction, demolition, disease, and death. Those who live in the "war zones" of our own country's streets. True, none of us knows how long our time will be hear on earth, but for some, the concerns are more imminent.
This has not been the first time I've been alone for several days with my children. I admit there were times when I just ran out of ideas; I grew impatient when a certain child decided to decorate the dining room table and floor *on purpose* with food after I had strained my back mopping earlier that day, but we also made summertime memories during those few days. I know many people who have to "do it alone" for much longer periods of time, not because they are a single parent per se, but because their spouse is deployed. With deployment comes its own set of daily uncertainties. Much respect to military families.
As I think about the blog post and the challenging moments I've had with my kids; the times I wished that I had a little more support; the days I wished that I had more time and/or the focus and energy to spend on my work; I stop myself to focus on the fact that time is precious. Yes, I have a responsibility to my academic work. Yes, I need to set aside time to take care of household stuff. However, these summer days are short, and I'm grateful that I have been able to spend this time, reliving some of the good points of childhood and also attending to some self care in the process.
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